Maharishi Phucknuckel's Guide to Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you are going to steal you neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

5. Do not aspire to become irreplaceable. If you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

6. Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

7. Never forget you are unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you do not succeed, avoid skydiving.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit on a boat and drink beer all day.

13. Have you ever lent someone a 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you do not have to remember anything.

15. Some days we are the flies, some days we are the windscreens.

16. Do not worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

20. There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you are not learning much if your lips are moving.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

23. Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.

24. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse.

25. The most wasted day of all is one which we have not laughed.

26. Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.